


Before You Go

by Vxporwaves



Category: Haikyuu!!, Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Angst, Boys Being Boys, Crossover, Depression, Eating Disorders, Friendship, Gen, Healing, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Sorry, Loss of Parent(s), M/M, Sad, Slice of Life, Song Lyrics, Songfic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-13
Updated: 2018-05-08
Packaged: 2019-03-17 15:56:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13662297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vxporwaves/pseuds/Vxporwaves
Summary: Life presents us with the opportunity for growth and it is a consistent change preceding death. Life is fragile and euphoric. Life is friendship and love but Life is so hard when hell is right inside your mind.The boys - no, not just Karasuno - all try and help you in their own little ways and neither them nor you really know it, but something small can sometimes go a long way.





	1. lying at your door cause im locked outside

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so this is my favourite song - Before You Go - Tyzo Bloom (Ft. Lauren Marie)  
> and I love all my boys on Haikyuu (It isn't easy to pick a favourite and people who do, scare me) so I've been writing this and I hope you'll enjoy it!
> 
> I don't know the specifics of what'll happen so I'm sort of in the dark just like you (reaaal smart, me, real smart) so I'll plan as I go and maybe we'll hit some angst and then some happy stuff but I'll be on the same ride as you :)

Daichi, Sugwara and Asahi watched with apprehensive expressions when Nishinoya and Hinata relentlessly pounded on the front door of the quiet home.

Tanaka convulsed with laughter at Hinata's expression because of the pain and the stinging caused by the wooden door - the hard wooden door when he kept thrashing the side of his fist on it and Kageyama insulted him consistently  _you deserved that hinata-boke_  though he couldn't deny the slight concern he felt when Hinata presented his glowing red hand as Nishinoya egged him on to keep going.

"Good job, Hinata! I'm sure he heard you!" Nishinoya appraised his kouhai with a puffed chest when Tsukishima rolled his eyes distastefully, "I bet the whole neighbourhood heard you."

Yamaguchi snickered along with his best friend, agreeing wholeheartedly though none of them actually cared about what anyone else had to say regarding the loud ruckus they were causing because they were doing it all with pure, good intentions. Daichi eyes trailed up the dark home; all of them had taken note to how none of the lights were on and he found himself leaning to the side a bit to make some form of physical contact to the ashen boy beside him.

Neither said anything but they appreciated the contact, worry and some fear present within them - as it was present in practically all of the members of the male Karasuno volleyball team - and Kageyama pulled Hinata by the collar, now standing beside Nishinoya to face the damn door that separated them and Tanaka watched from the porch. Both of the second years were curious, silently waiting for what the first year would do as Hinata used this time to watch as well, though he was also cradling his fist to his chest with a grimace and small tears in the corners of his eyes.

 _"Oi baka!"_ Kageyama began, "It's getting dark,  _baka,_ hurry up and open the door before I throw Hinata- _boke_  into it!" He was angry, they could all see that when his shoulders were tense and his arms were practically shaking. They couldn't see his face - not that they wished too - because they were sure he was frowning deeply with two glaring eyes and Hinata shuddered at the thought of it, rushing to hide behind Tanaka just in case.

They flinched when Kageyama started banging on the door, loud and rambunctious like the thundering steps of naked, giant humanoid beings and they could tell he was getting impatient and _it was all your fault._  
They kept going though, Nishinoya laughed at his kouhais impulsiveness and joined in, except the banging of his fists formed the beat of a song as he moved with the beat, grinning boisterously. 

_'lying at your door cause im locked outside..'_

Asahi perked up at his voice, finding his lips lifting up in the corner as Daichi smiled too, Sugawara stifling a chuckle while Kageyama had paused momentarily to glance at his teammate in confusion and Hinata revealed himself from behind a laughing Tanaka who'd also started singing.

They all paused, however, when the lock behind the door clicked.

Kageyama leaned back, ignoring the aching in his fist when he cradled it as his role in volleyball travelled through his mind - he'd worry about it later though - because Hinata bumped into him, almost head butting the door fully open as a familiar face came into view.

Tanaka's grin calmed to a small smile, his eyes bright when he took in the sight of you and Nishinoya lifted his hand for a high-five to the second year boy beside him. Tsukishima and Yamaguchi had both perked up to look around the two other first years and caught sight of you also and Yamaguchi actually heard his blonde friend breathing out lightly, like a sigh of relief and he couldn't help feeling elated when the three third years also walked closer to greet you.

You stood there at the door, tired eyes watching the team with a worried expression. Your face seemed to mirror Kageyama's when he watched you cautiously, suddenly unaware of what to say whereas you were wondering why they were here and yet, you - for some reason - weren't even that surprised that they were here at all.

"Guys..." Perhaps the others had missed it but Sugawara noticed the small act of you lifting your arm to your mouth to wipe your lips with your forearm. Your Adam's apple bobbed up then down slowly and he felt like his worry was completely justified when he sighed out loud, obnoxiously and on purpose to bring attention to himself. He moved from Daichi's side to walk up the small steps up to your porch, his eyes - hard yet friendly to others - showed a certain kindness that had your stomach tightening at the sight. Hinata and Kageyama moved aside for their senpai and yet Daichi and Asahi moved forward behind him.

At the sight of the three of them walking towards you so suddenly and without no sounds, you subconsciously moved aside and yet your mouth moved seemingly without your consent, "I-uh, wait - n-no-"

"Come on, guys, Sugawara's cooking tonight."

"Wait! Be quiet-" they paused, Hinata tripped as he practically jumped through the doorway and Tanaka was stepping over him, "My grandma's taking a nap upstairs, just..."

You had averted your eyes, cheeks going red and Sugawara wanted to assume it was from the attention you gotten for yourself and not because of what he'd thought you were doing before you opened the door when he guessed you were probably going to leave them out there for a while - and knowing Nishinoya and his desire to uphold his kouhais expectations of him - he'd probably stay all night and make the smaller orange-haired boy stay with him.

And because of that, Kageyama would stay too. Tanaka, not wanting to be beaten by his teammate, would stay too because he admired the smaller second year and his manliness.

"It's fine, we'll be quiet - right, Nishinoya?" Sugawara gave a pointed took to all four of them, mainly Nishinoya and Hinata but the small brunette grinned and - _"Yes sir!"_  He yelled with a prideful puff of his chest and Daichi didn't hesitate to smack him upside the head knocking an  _oomph_  out of him.

Hinata got the idea,  _be quiet and you won't get hurt_  but he glared at Kageyama in case he tried anything to rile him up. You kept your burning face down and Sugawara approached you, placing two gentle hands over your shoulders when you refused to look up at him. He was smiling, probably, the smile you liked because it was really nice to look at, it was sweet and also really cute but you couldn't look up at him, freezing when your blood turned ice cold at his reassuring whisper, "Go brush your teeth, I'll make us some food."

"Yeah!" Hinata excitably adored the way Sugawara could cheer up his friend and yelled on accident, yelping when Kageyama glared and swung at him, he dodged and continued with a desperate whisper, "You left before we could all go to the convenience store." His face turned red from trying to loudly whisper which cause him to run out of breath and then he dragged Kageyama by the sleeve towards the kitchen, the rest followed and you hesitantly turned away to head to the bathroom before reuniting with the people that considered you their  _friend._

Too many people were crowded in the kitchen, but hey, at least there wasn't much distance between the living room and the dining room. There wasn't a wall that divided the kitchen from the dining room so just over the kitchen counter, the dining table had been set by Daichi when Sugawara had been flipping the meat in the wok on your stove. Tanaka and Nishinoya melted and the smell as it travelled through the home and they - to your satisfaction - actually listened when you'd told them to be quiet.

The scent of the meat wasn't as appealing to you, it was cooking, frying with vegetables and the juice leaked out heavenly though it didn't bring you to lick your lips like Hinata had been doing for the last five minutes or so - probably longer, really - and even Kageyama had been watching the food cook as it had turned from a raw pink to a crispy brown and his face was flushed, unable to restrain his excitement and Asahi sat at the table and he hardly spoke, hypersensitive to the former information you'd given them all that you Grandma was only upstairs and fast asleep. He smiled at you while you sat across from him, he didn't say anything though his eyes casually found themselves on Nishinoya and you noticed this - as it happened more than once - and you couldn't help wonder.

Wondering what he was feeling, what the ace was thinking, too. Was he thinking about Nishinoya? It looked like he was apprehensive about something and you almost questioned him but maybe he didn't want to say anything because maybe you were being nosy and no one likes a nosy person. No one likes a person who's eager to know things that they don't need to. You'd just end up being annoying _(as if you weren't already)_ and you breathed a shaky exhale, slightly satisfied with the scent of mint laced in your breath that went unnoticed.

"Are you alright, [Lastname]-san?" 

Oh, it was noticed.

Your eyes slowly travelled to Asahi, his eyes were wide yet they were soft, kind and all things nice though he didn't smile. Instead, his lips were a grim line on his face, his stubble made him look older but so much more attractive. It was a little overbearing if you were being honest - had he always been _this_ gorgeous?

But that was beside the question because he had done exactly what you voluntarily chose not to. It was a weird feeling, it was as if he was being considerate and you were sure that he was but at what cost? Why would he ask about your well being when the expression on his face was almost to the point of pain -  _almost_ - and it didn't help that his anxiety wasn't exactly subtle.

You wondered what would've happened if you had asked the question first, you probably wouldn't have gestured to Nishinoya - even if the libero wasn't paying attention - but would Asahi had answered you? Or would he have felt that tightness in his chest become relieved only to seize up again at the frightening thought of answering?

"I'm fine." 

You pondered if he knew you were lying.

"That's good! R-right?" He was unsure of himself and your impaired mental state gripped your ability to tell the truth as calmly as he could, cackling at his pitiful effort. Your mind almost deemed him unworthy of talking to, feeling irritated by the sudden negative emotions and your throat hurt, it hurt to speak and it hurt to swallow. 

It hurt but it reminded you that you could  _feel_  it and it eased your nerves, your palms were sweating and your fingers - your pointer and your middle finger - were twitching to abuse at your uvular just as you had been less than an hour ago. Your lips squeezed tight together, keeping your mouth from spitting anything without your consent and Hinata perked up when Sugawara smacked his chin away when he'd began drooling _gross, Hinata!_

"Hey, we got to come in for dinner!-" Kageyama turned to you as well, "Shut up, selfish dumbass!" Hinata growled and opened his mouth to retort something, probably another insult but you couldn't help the guilt and fear when your mouth curled downwards and Daichi; who'd been leaning against the counter beside Sugawara and watching the elder setter with a content smile, turned at the sound of those familiar voices as he knew they'd surely grow in volume.

"Oi, watch it!" He scolded them quickly but he saw your face and looked at Asahi in question, "What's going on?"

"N-Nothing, captain!" Hinata sputtered, scared and Kageyama nodded in agreement, you turned away and the thought of leaving them be appeased you so much, you were so tempted to do it except for the fact that it'd bring you unwanted attention and your social anxiety kept you seated, burning from humiliation but the silence seemed to encourage Asahi as he remained in front of you.

You heard him and looked - despite the fact that it was done _unwillingly_ \- to see his brown eyes, wide but they weren't annoyed or even sad towards you. They were gentle and it was like a breath of fresh air, it made your shoulder muscles soften.

"I think what Hinata means..." He almost appeared unsure of himself, "is that he, no, _we_  will wait outside no matter how long you keep us locked out." 

His tone, compassionate and sweet, made you cough nervously when you failed to realise how selfish and plain rude your actions were. It was something you always managed to overlook and you guessed he saw this look of regret on your face when he perked up, shaking his hands dismissively, "N-no, I mean - u-uh, we'll always be there for you!" 

Be there for you? 

That sounded like an inconvenience but he seemed so sure of himself, so ready to defend his own statement in case you had found any way to doubt his good intentions. Daichi made a noise in the back of his throat, gaining your attention quickly and Suga stood there too, both of them nodding at you assuringly as they'd most likely heard the entire thing.

Tanaka and Nishinoya used chopsticks to steal small pieces of meat from the wok as it was settled on a boil, they seemed to be competing on which one of them could grab the biggest piece without being caught but they still had their attention on you as well, Tanaka winked and Nishinoya gave you a thumbs up.

Hinata and Kageyama had actually moved from the kitchen to the couch where they had begun play fighting and wrestling, pushing each other off of the couch like it was a game of 'the floor is lava,' you laughed lowly at their antics, finding the dominating smile on Kageyama's face comical and Hinata had his tongue held between his lips as he struggled below the raven-haired boy.

_"Ahem."_

Your eyes, actually, everyones eyes stayed on the two first years as they finally realised everyone was watching them, Daichi glared at them but you couldn't help laughing aloud now, finding their stares of fear due to the fact that they had been caught in such an inopportune state.

_Smack!_

_"Nishinoya~! The meat! Dammit!"_

_"Itai, Suga!"_


	2. you can cut the shit, we both know you cried

School finished, it was well after six in the afternoon when the boys were tired and done with volleyball practise. They all walked as a collective unit down the decently quiet streets of Miyagi and they hadn't even mentioned it but their feet continuously walked together heading to the store where Daichi often treated them to meat buns; you secretly believed he was some rich heir that was really humble so he never said anything about it, and you walked with them too, walking slowly and enjoying the silence along with the light purple sky that had small tinges of orange towards the horizon.

There were hardly any cars on the road, people opt for walking or taking local buses for transport but walking was more favoured and you knew the team favoured it too. They could all be together, talking and joking around and you could join in - except, you didn't.

You stayed silent towards the back of the group; not like you minded or anything, and heard the voices of Hinata and Nishinoya as they conversed, often being reprimanded by Sugawara and Daichi as they walked with Asahi in front of you, a few metres away from you. You'd known that both the vice-captain and the captain had been taking not-so-subtle glances towards you but by the small tilt of your lips, they probably thought you were okay with being behind them as you were.

And it was okay. 

It was.

Because, they made you laugh and smile even if you weren't particularly included when Tsukishima voiced his concerns as he spoke of how embarrassing Hinata and Kageyama were and they made you smile when Yamaguchi smiled up at his best friend in a way that gave off an impression of not exactly viewing him as a best  _friend._

They made you dubious of their intelligence when Hinata reminded you of how much of a simpleton he was when he cried out about his bad test scored and Tanaka aided in making you realise that intelligence wasn't everything as he encouraged the orange-haired boy to do as he pleased - even if it was embarrassing - because so many things were deemed 'manly' in his eyes.

But when Kageyama reminded Hinata that he had to focus because otherwise, they couldn't go to volleyball away games, it was an odd feeling that came to you, sort of like a door that had been pushed but it was already partly open so it was nothing but a gentle breeze that could make it open for the bad stuff to come in like an invited guest. Triggered by something as insignificant as not being as valuable as another. Feeling like you were expendable and that you _weren't_ in fact apart of the team because you had been deemed too weak to play.

Sport was too tiring for you, it was painful and could become dangerous, too. So, it reminded you of how trivial your friendship was to them, to the entire volleyball team and it just brought back the realisation that you were too dependable, too simple-minded and unworthy of their time and affection. You knew it was all done in pretend anyway, their words of encouragement and their actions of endearment. 

And the bad stuff - meaning the bad thoughts, the doubt and the deep and utter baseless sadness and crippled your mind in darkness wrapped in barb wire like a pretty present with a bow on top. It would come to you often, uninvited and hit you whenever it pleased. It didn't matter if you were having the time of your life or even if you were on the brink of sleep, it was ruthless but in a comforting type of way - maybe because of how long you'd been having these thoughts. But either way, it had come and it had come to stay for a while.

To push against your ribs and to make your heart race but not in pleasure or exhilaration but it was an intense sort of weariness, like, the heaviness of your limbs and the constriction of your lungs just wore you down as if it had a debt to collect. 

It acted remotely on its own, without a care for the pain nor the damage it caused. It made you believe things, things that most likely weren’t even real like the way Tsukishima glared back at you every so often your shoes dragged along the road.

Or how Tanaka had been speaking in hushed whispers about you and how annoying you were and how awkward you were too. Nishinoya would obviously agree and he’d add to the fire of dread burning within you because it was true. 

Did any of them _really_ want you here? The question was debatable. It was an open question, lead by a painfully true explanation because _No,_ they didn’t want you here because you were weird and cold and aloof and awkward and sad, moving around dragging them under your dark cloud of misfortune and terror because everything seemed to frighten you. 

Even a boy as bright and as kind as Hinata, frightened you. A cat, a dog or even the meat bun the _bright_ and _kind_  Hinata handed you, frightened you. 

But, that was before they had discovered you were missing. Because while walking to the convenience store on that afternoon, the opened door in your mind lead the darkness in and it forced you to take a moment to be alone. 

They hadn’t noticed, how could they though? It wasn’t there fault that you falsely admitted to following a frighteningly made up cat to be alone for a while.

Your wishful thinking made you hope they’d completely forget that you were tailing them and they’d leave by your lonesome but they hadn’t.

No... they didn’t. And quite a peculiar emotion rippled through your tortured mind at that. 

A sudden flip of your stomach made your breath hitch when Tanaka’s panicked scream echoed down the street. 

And his scream was actually so loud and panicked that it was _comical_ , Nishinoya’s laughter echoed, travelling to you next like a warm hug and you heard him yell too because _that scream wasn’t manly at all, Ryuu!_

But they kept going and instead of making your tears evaporate, they continued and you heaved a sob but it was dangerously loud when footsteps, so many footsteps were getting closer until a yelp was heard above you.

Asahi had caught you, his eyes wide with concern and he almost yelled out for someone else because he had found you. He had found the person that the entire team had run around looking for and now, you had only caused them more trouble. 

“No- no, Asahi, I’m alright.” 

It was implied that you wanted him to leave; not to be rude - no, never to be rude, but he didn’t. He stayed and even crouched down beside you and raised a shaky hand to your back, you flinched and it made him flinch. The action made the corner of your lips lower a little and his encouraging words made you wipe your face pathetically, all of his  _it’ll be okay_ and _nothing lasts forever._

He was under the impression that it would help, maybe he could help ease the tears into disappearing and then he could help you regain your composure but his what-he-thought-were-good-words-of-encouragement were actually enough to make more tears shower down your face like they woefully belonged there.

He yelped in shock and felt terrible at the sudden downturn of events, he had no idea what to do other than crouch beside you but even then, he felt almost like a stranger and it pained him to see you like this, like he was failing to uphold the promise he took part in with the entire team that revolved around you. Like he was failing _you._

"Come on, I promise you're not alone, [Lastname]. A-and, I bet these things your feeling now will be nothing but a sad memory in the future."

He dragged on, repeating the same things without even realising just so he could get a glimpse of some kind of expression on your face that claimed he was doing okay. Because, it was scary. _It was sickeningly scary._  Helping someone without any knowledge of what they were  _truly_  feeling or  _truly_  thinking, it was terrifying because who knew what things could trigger you, who knew what words were considered insensitive to you? It was like taking a massive dive into the void and hoping -  _praying_ - that maybe what he'd said could make something  _hopefully_ good come out of it. 

And after a few quiet minutes to regain your breath because no, you totally _weren’t_ crying while crouched between a house and a fence, you had gotten up as Asahi raised himself too. The silence that began from there was appreciated, it was strangely okay and then suddenly, there was so much more people around you.

They took you from the confines of the lonely alley and this time; because of your troubling self and you pitiful behaviour, they made sure you were in the middle. Hinata made sure you were given the first meat bun - even as Kageyama was about to take a bite from it before it was swiped away - and his _bright_ and _kind_ self eased your pain for a bit. 

And so he exclaimed ( _moaned_ in utter delight as he scoffed them down) how good the buns were after getting told off by Ukai-san previously when he'd done the same before and he nudged you for your opinion and when you half-heartedly agreed with him - albeit quietly, his face had exploded into the widest grins. 

_take a bite, doofus!_

He yelled at you and Suga watched you cautiously, eyeing your sour and embarrassed reaction paired with red swollen eyes and a sniffling nose.

Hinata seemed unimaginably ecstatic to see you speaking to him, his cheeks were pink and his eyes bright. His own laughter invited more talking and more laughter from the team, almost like they were quite eager to rid themselves of the sour atmosphere that had not-so-briefly passed.

Until,

”Hey, [Lastname], you should tell us when you’re feeling down like that, okay?”

Suga approached all carefree and smiles, gentle as he was accompanied by Daichi - _of course_ \- and the two looked down at you like two doting parents. It felt like a breath of fresh air, really. 

“I’m f-.. fine. I’m alright, thanks though.”

”[Lastname]... you were crying.” Yamaguchi pointed out, you tried not to glare or even become riled up. Instead, you flushed because you didn’t want to mistake their kindness for sticking their noses where they didn’t belong because it wasn’t your fault you saw things differently than how they were.

It was your head. 

Or maybe it was you... it was all so undeniably tiring, that’s for sure.

”I...” A hesitant glance was thrown at Asahi, he had already been looking at you. His eyes weren’t soft like they had been when he was alone with you, they were more... supportive? Encouraging? Yeah, that was probably it.

”I..” You were ready to deny them again, even when you’d been caught and even when it was revealed to everyone so openly, “No, I wasn’t, it doesn’t matter anyway. I’m going home.”

”Come on, bro.” Nishinoya did a rapid 180° to give you his full attention, his eyes dead set on you even with that grin along his lips, “Crying isn’t unmanly, everyone does it. There’s nothing wrong with admitting you were!”

Your face burned, attempting to avert your eyes was almost the most difficult thing to do all day and you failed to do it.

”O-.. okay.” Neither denying nor admitting it seemed like the best way to go through with this. You didn’t want to keep thinking about it because of how it was such a recurring thing for you, some days were bearable and others were torturous and today was a little bit of both.

”Hey! Anytime you wanna cry, you can come see me! I’ll make you feel better [Lastname]-san!”

Hinata blinked and corrected himself, “[Lastname]-senpai!” Maybe he thought it would boost your ego like it usually did with Nishinoya and Tanaka - heck, the two even chortled in the background -  _you’re so manly, Hinata!_

Daichi smiled, nodding as if something good had come from this, like he had just gotten an amazing idea and maybe it was. A good idea, that is.

”That’s right, Hinata,” The captain looked at you, overwhelmingly prideful and kind, “[Lastname], I’m sure you already know this but you can come to any of us whenever you’re upset, alright?”

He saw the look of hesitance on your face, how you were seconds from rejecting his extremely friendly and smiled wider, his eyes crinkled in the corners, “Alright?” He repeated and Asahi flinched at the familiar sound of _that_ voice. 

“U-uh Da-Daichi..” he was probably trying to very poorly calm him down but it didn’t work until Suga gently touched his arm, smiling at him with a kindness and affection that Daichi adored more than he would admit. 

“...Okay.”


	3. you can tell yourself I don't care

It wasn't because of the way your Grandma often carried more than she thought she could. It wasn't because she had done it on purpose, no, that was ridiculous. Because it wasn't on purpose, it was actually an accident. You knew that, your brain registered that but it made your mouth say something else. Something entirely different when the entire predicament could've been solved in such a better way, an easier way or a peaceful way, even. 

And it was even worse because you had frightened her. You scared your Grandma, making her flinch when she almost raised her voice at you as well but she stopped because she had the mental capacity to rethink her actions, she probably realised that beginning an argument with you meant seriousness and you wouldn't stop. Not when you were in such a foul mood among other things.

So, she let you go with her averted gaze when you glared at her. It wasn't her fault, she knew and you knew it but it was hard to recognise that when nothing but terror and irritation turned and twisted inside you like the work of a swarm of bees. It was enough to tear you down but you stood back up and stormed past, ignoring the rice on the dinner table, the tea and the fried pork with ginger that steamed and called for your groaning stomach in almost agony. 

All because she had accidentally dropped a pair of shorts on the floor while carrying the clothes from the dryer to the living room to fold the clothes.  
You ended up tripping over that pair of shorts and your heart dropped as you fell like a lifeless corpse; the weariness from your rather sloppy snooze made you fall pathetically, your chin slamming into the ground with a  _bang_  and then your anger flared, sky-rocketing.

_why can't you do anything right, you hag?!_

 

On the way to school, it was literally a breath of fresh air. The sun; despite the cold of the morning, was shining down on you like a welcoming presence. The air felt crisp, right and gentle too - it felt good to breathe it in and breathe it out and it gave you the moment needed to remember what you had done to your Grandma.

The face she made when you yelled at her so suddenly and the sadness that formed in her eyes, it made you feel regret and shame and disappointment in yourself. It wasn't her fault that you had fallen - _yes,_  she was the reason but she didn't know, it was an accident - and she didn't deserve to be yelled at so ruthlessly. It was pathetic of you, to take out your anger on such a fragile woman. 

The woman who had lost what you had and more.

You didn't know what she felt or what she was thinking, she was a mystery but she miraculously never failed to put food on the table for you - even if the sight of the plates of steaming nutrition repulsed you - and she seemed to mindlessly walk around the deathly silent home quite often to make sure you were alright - physically, that is.

Her methods of checking up on your well-being were peculiar but oddly kind, it made you feel weird. It made you wonder why she was thinking about you, why she thought she had to care for you so thoroughly even if she didn't speak that much.

In the midst of gruelling over such annoyingly saddening things, you fell backwards when a forceful object pushed you. You flinched, closing your eyes at the impact to find yourself on the floor with an aching ass. You looked up, furrowing your brow and ready to spit fire before the teenagers began snickering as they turned to walk away.

They didn't say anything but you had heard them laughing as they turned around, speaking in not-so-hushed  _'whispers'_

_I told you he'd go down easy, see how weak he is?_

You raised a hand to inspect it, finding the skin of your palm growing increasingly red. Blood didn't escape the skin but it was close to. You stood and quickly got the sand and gravel from the scratches sustained from the fall, it stung a lot and you kept walking, sighing as your anger hadn't simmered down.

Just because you had gone through this more than enough times to keep count, it didn't mean you had grown particularly use to it. It was a pain, when people thought they were justified in bullying one person and not doing it to another.

Maybe you just deserved it though - it made sense, you guessed. _You weren't a great person anyway._

 

Quickly after turning a corner as you approached close to Karasuno Koukou, the sweet scent of bitter coffee travelled to you invitingly. Calling for you and it was generous enough to bring you into the cafe when the girl in front of you let the door close even when she made a side-glance at you.

It went ignored, just like everyone else  _ever_  (with the exception of the Karasuno volleyball team because they were so damn persistent to make you hang out with them and you couldn't lie when you admitted they had sort of grown on you) and you walked into the line, satisfied to find you would be ordering next.

You had the order in your mind, repeating it over and over just as you would any other day (except for the days it was seriously busy and your mind would tell you to  _kindly fuck off out of there)_ because why the hell was a cafe so daunting and scary, why did it feel like so many people were watching you and the shakiness of your fingers reminded you of how you had fallen like a weak, little boy just outside and  _oh, my God_  you were most likely seen and now they were watching you even more because that fall was so damn embarrassing.

Repeating the order kept you standing there though, and the fact that the person in front of you was paying for their coffee already dawned on you because leaving now would presumably bring unwanted attention to yourself and the heat gathering in your cheeks and in the back of your neck was awkward, noise-cancelling and terrifying all at once.

"Next, please."

Yes, it was _noise-cancelling_ because everything was a blur due to all of the possible scenarios that could go wrong. Like, for example, how you could completely stuff up your order and - knowing yourself - you'd become too nervous and flustered to correct yourself.

Or, you could find out you don't have enough money and realise when you're about to pay -  _or (and even better),_  you could give the cashier the money being gripped in your hand; the warm, clammy and slightly  _sweaty_  money, because who doesn't love not only old and obviously filthy money, but also hot and covered-in-hand-sweat money.

"Uh... excuse me?"

Perking up, you could've woken up by what someone would all a nap because of how out of it you were. There were people questioning your dumb-looking actions, murmuring and giggling to themselves when you realised the cashier had been calling you with an awkward look on their face.

The person; a teenager, before you; someone with dark hair and a white blazer and a maroon tie, beige pants and a light blue button-up shirt too, looked at you and then looked back to his own self and you could've sworn there was a tiny tilt of his lips going upwards but maybe it was your imagination because that's what your mind liked to do

Play tricks on you, 

make you yell at others,

make you forget you're waiting in line in a cafe so you can space out and immensely humiliate yourself - yeah, the list goes on. But it goes down a darker lane, so we'll leave that for later.

"S-sorry..." Flushing again at the cashier's gaze, you took a look at the menu to avert your eyes from the direct eye contact even when your order was imprinted on the walls of your brain anyway. Maybe if you were fortunate enough, you'd faint and your eyes would roll to the back of your head so you could read it properly.

The order, that is.

"What would you like to order?"

Man, what you would give to have this persons ability to completely disregard another person's uncomfortableness because while you were internally suffering (because of the eyes watching you, the looming decision to speak up or walk away in silence, the desire to inexplicably  _disappear,_ etcetera) and then you opened your dry mouth. Licking your lips to ensure you got it right,

"latte, please.."

That was good, keep going;  _normal,_ and even. Enough to make it sound like you were completely sane. Their eyes watched you, moving from the cup they were writing on to make sure it was right, "Size? We've got small, regular or large."

"Uh- regular, so-sorry," they looked at you for a moment, when your voice dropped an octave, "skim milk.. please."

The cause of death on your gravestone was going to be, _'emotional and psychological stress matured so heavily that it physically embedded itself into [M/Name]'s weak and undernourished body causing the overall degradation of him entirely.'_

The thing was, even if social interactions didn't cause your death, _that_ ; written above, would surely be your eventual abysmal end and it was perhaps strange or maybe it wasn't - depending on who it applied to - because it was okay with you. 

The end was coming, it came for everyone no matter who you were or what you believed in and unsurprisingly, you were becoming more accepting of it every day as more nightmares during the night and more mishaps happened during the day.

Like the fact that the milk in your latte was full instead of skim...

It was another mishap, one after the other and the four hundred and twenty yen latte was thrown out immediately because of the damn nutritional value of the beverage that wracked through your mind hauntingly, reminding you of how much fat it had, how much it would weigh you down and ruin your body because skim was less fattening and healthier and more beneficial and it wasn't what you asked for and so you were disgusted, angry and just  _upset._

Too upset to go back to the cafe, that's for sure.

Not after handing the cashier your sweaty money, anyway.

 

Reaching closer to school, the familiarity was getting to you now. It had a calming effect, almost. The building reminded you that you had people who counted on you just as they asked that you count on them, it was nerve-wracking but it wasn't completely bad - they believed you just needed time to warm up to them and you did just that - spent time with them and you dared to even be yourself and see their reactions and prayed nothing would happen unlike what happened at your last school.

They, however, were completely neutral about it but not in a bad way, not in a way that suggested you were a hopeless case that should be dropped and abandoned _(again)_  but instead, in a way that made you feel like you could continue being yourself and around them simultaneously.

So, it wasn't a surprise that when you passed through the first year area to go your class in the second year building, passing Hinata and Kageyama brought along shouts of greetings and the trampling of their shuffling feet to get to you.

"[M/Name], Morning!" Kageyama glared at the shining boy skeptically, "You can't just call him by his first name, baka!" But instead of getting the regretful reaction he thought he'd receive, Kageyama's glare intensified when Hinata questioned him like the simpleton he was, "Because he's our upperclassmen! Show some respect you dumbass!"

"Kageyama~!" Hinata whined, discouraged and with red cheeks but you merely waved them off dismissively, trying to hold onto that tight and painful smile to reassure the two,

"no, guys, it's alright. Morning," 

they nodded appreciatively and began talking (Hinata babbled on and on without catching a breath and Kageyama merely glanced at him from time to time in silence) but they paused,  _or,_  Hinata paused and stuttered, turning pink at the sight of three girls coming from behind you.

You turned when you saw his bright, light brown eyes focused on them and your face dropped. The fact that the two first years stayed in their spots; listening and watching, was a bit unsettling but they - the girls - spoke up with almost no hesitance even when your face (if it could speak as a whole without the use of  _verbal_  words) screamed  _fuck off, please._

"[Lastname]-san, I-I've been watching you for a while a-and uh, I mean. Please accept my confession!" It was fast and loud, too loud for your heart to handle when more first years looked. You were supposed to be their senpais and yet you felt like an ant about to be stepped on (you'd rather get stepped on and  _ended.)_

"No thanks.."

Without accepting the letter that had a hand-drawn heart on it, without pausing to at least  _appear_  like you were considering it (for formalities) and without batting an eye, well, even Kageyama and Hinata flinched with cringes on their faces.

They were shocked, so was probably the entire student body present but it didn't matter to you so that meant it was deemed irrelevant. You, who had had no previous interest in girls whatsoever in who knows how long (probably ever since you knew what  _liking_  someone meant), turned to walk away but no without offering a wave to the two volleyball players when they blinked at you in shock.

After leaving the area, you exhaled deeply and it was shaky, the air leaving your fragile lungs was desperate and enough to make you finally give in to the internal frustrations and commit yourself to the infirmary for the entire day and the entire school term if possible but it was only the morning, hardly ten o'clock and you'd be damned if you let everything that had happened let you go down now.

Maybe later you'd leave to calm down.

Not when you were pulled back by the back of your collar and even if you had caught yourself, it didn't stop your stomach from dropping at the sight of the same girls that had come to you (and been ruthlessly rejected by you) only moments ago.

That was fast.

They took advantage of your lack of strength and took you from your initial mission of getting to your homeroom by turning you around so you could see the girl you rejected (she had tears in her eyes and a crumbled love letter in her hand) and her two friends with prominent frowns on their faces.

You were fine with ignoring them but then they stepped closer and your heart rate picked up.

"How dare you be so rude to Mika-chan like that!"

"Don't you have any common courtesy when receiving a confession!?" The two spoke after the other, without giving you a time to reply and at the word  _'confession,'_ Mika flinched. You didn't know what to do though, or what would be considered the right thing and there were footsteps coming, they were coming closer to you as they were going to round the corner but your inability to form sentences in such situations made you all the more frightened.

"S-Stop, please."

"Us?  _Stop?!_  You have to  _at least_  take Mika-chan on a date! That's so mean of you to leave her like that!" They kept pestering you and they moved closer to you too. Mika watched this happening with a lost look on her face but she didn't seem to mind it either. She let it happen and that's almost entirely why you rejected her. How can she be surprised by your rejection when this is how she really is? She doesn't even know you.

"Oi, is that [Lastname]?"

You heard someone, a male and the relief settling in your body was so immense that it almost made your knees give out. Because someone was _there_ and that meant that someone wouldn't find your disfigured, bloodied body in a dumpster so you breathed in and huffed, "A, I don't like girls - or boys, I don't even know what I like actually. I have no interest in romance." They paused, shutting their mouths as the two girls looked as if they had misheard you. 

They couldn't mistake your cold voice that was paired with your aloof appearance, though. This time your voice was laced with resentment. Towards them and yourself because they were making you do this, actually - you didn't really have to but you just prayed this would make them leave you alone and maybe they would tell others and everyone would leave you alone.

"B, I have a _shit ton_ of problems - both physical and psychological - and that in itself is  _way_  too much for anyone to handle. I'm a lost cause, okay?" Breathing hard, you hadn't realised that the person who had questioned your presence, wasn't alone and they had stopped to listen, staying guard in case anything turned to worse.

But when they, and the girls before you, thought you stopped and were ready to leave, you kept going and it shocked them because you hadn't spoken that much since arriving to Karasuno only months ago,

"I'm a failure and a shit excuse for a person, I have enough issues to deal with for this lifetime and the next and I'm a depressing asshole, alright?! But hey, at least I'm  _courteous_  enough to admit that!" Your voice grew, inviting two others over and even when they were about to speak, the two initial people who had come made them stay silent.

The back of your eyes burned and you chest felt so  _fucking_  constricted, tight and making it unable to take a normal breath, just one in and then one out. It was dizzying, you leaned over a little to rid yourself of the sway in your body, steadying yourself, "Unlike... your _Mika-chan,_ " her name was spat out like poison, "she doesn't even know me, she's shallow and attracted to my appearance but I'm so damn ugly and fat and I have no idea why you'd ever think I'm good enough..." 

"for you.." You had begun panting, it was hot and you were sweating a bit, it was hard to breathe as well.

You turned away, embarrassed and humiliated and the girls quietly turned around to leave when four faces registered; albeit blurry, but the shock on their faces was enough to make you smile.

 

_it's okay_

_smile, they won't see through it_

_you've done it so many times in the mirror_

_they... they didn't hear what you said, did they?_

 

Your stomach grumbled, again, it was loud and it hurt too. It hurt so much, like a cramp that begged, wept and cried for attention and help, it craved the presence of substance because otherwise it would be lead to ingesting itself - first, the muscles and it would be tough because your muscle mass was already in shambles. 

Your body was already so weak, so tired of being the vessel of a person like you. It was about time it gave up, it felt good when your blurry sight turned to white and black dots as you swayed more. Laughing subconsciously when your head hit the ground as Tanaka, Nishinoya paired with Kageyama and Hinata all tried to catch you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song; Tʏᴢᴏ Bʟᴏᴏᴍ - Bᴇғᴏʀᴇ U Gᴏ (ғᴇᴀᴛ. Lᴀᴜʀᴇɴ Mᴀʀɪᴇ)


	4. if that's true why would I be here

Maybe it was the way your nonchalant expression held a dark aura, one that expressed sadness and weariness that made Kageyama more interested in you that morning that it usually did. When he saw you walking through the hall to go to your homeroom class, you were always hiding your face, he found that you were always hurrying to get through the mass of students so that you could just go to class without unnecessary attention or physical contact.

Nevertheless, Kageyama always made sure to look out for you when he saw the hands on the clock were nearing the time when all of the students had to be in class. He was always looking out for you as he mindlessly listened to Hinata rant on about his little sister or about how he claimed he was going to beat Kageyama in volleyball somehow but the latter always had something to retort with, smugly  _i'll beat you in- in passing!_

Kageyama could never fathom how  _dumb_  Hinata could be, he was always surprised but he felt equally as dumb when Hinata would yell about wanting to spike his tosses and boast about the first year setter about how great he was on the court to his other non-volleyball playing friends because it made Kageyama's heart skip a beat and he didn't know why it happened but he hated it but he was also comforted by the bright, orange-haired boy because when the taller one found you, he could count on Hinata to begin the interaction that Kageyama didn't preferably enjoy being associated with.

Kageyama had never been one for social interactions ever since the incident that occurred in his middle school so when he nudged Hinata to gain his attention, even if the got a sour reply, Kageyama only gestured to the entrance of the hall and let Hinata find you.

He was glad, the tension in his chest was at ease when Hinata yelped and made his way to you, skipping to make it to your side just as Kageyama followed him as the captains words consistently repeated through his mind,

_make sure he's alright, even if it's something little - just like saying good morning to him. just make sure he knows other people want him here._

And he did, Hinata did too and they both came to you like a bee to a flower in the spring and the shock on your face never changed even if they had been doing this for weeks now. It was like you'd forget that they would come to you like this but neither of the two minded because when you answered them and greeted them, Kageyama felt as if he had done the right thing once again.

He was keeping his promise and it felt good and so the two of them spoke without indifference, solidifying the friendship between the three of you as if one night had managed to made a physical manifestation of his crumble a little and Kageyama yelled at Hinata for referring to you with such an informal tone but you reassured him that it was okay and Kageyama couldn't help perking up, he was glad. 

The content atmosphere invited Hinata to ramble on about school and volleyball and the three of you almost began walking and talking, something nice and casual before the smallest boy of the three of you had stopped completely. Right next to him, Kageyama stopped too and he didn't know what to think when he saw the three girls behind you.

Two of them had stern looks on their faces as the girl in the middle was red in the face and her eyes were fidgeting from you and then to the two volleyball players with apprehension.

At this, Kageyama saw how your eyes grew but it looked like you were trying to remain composed and unaffected by the three new appearances of these students neither of you had met before. And Kageyama didn't know how much you were panicking inside because it was only a trivial social interaction, something everyone  _ever_  had gone through every day but it was so much more than that to  _you_  and because you were a year older, referred to as  _senpai_  by your two friends, you couldn't show how much you were just about ready to  _lose your shit._

And adding the cherry on top, Kageyama and Hinata both witnessed; only half a metre away, the anguish and anxiety on your face when you straight up rejected the poor girl who had thought about the confession deeply and thoroughly enough to finally go through with it but  _dammit_  who the  _fuck_  thinks to confess in the hall of the first year block at like nine in the morning?! She was stupid and you didn't even know her  _name!_  It was crazy and stupid and you were so, so stupid and ugly and insignificant and  _oh my god_  why couldn't people recognise how much you were suffering just by being  _here,_ present, conscious and  _alive._

"No thanks..."

Two words and the environment around you turned cold. 

Regret, remorse and utter  _failure_  ran through you like a shinkansen but you only knew now that you had to leave. Even the two boys that claimed to be your friends were shocked, perhaps they were mortified by your answer to a love confession or maybe they had no idea you could be like that, so cold, so direct and uninterested but it wasn't  _your fault._

Maybe it was, because you looked like this, perhaps someone - just a single person of the hundreds that attended Karasuno KouKou - thought you were  _somehow_  attractive or had a nice personality but it was all rubbish because she didn't even know you. It confused you and it made your chest hurt, it made the sweat and the pain of the prior events in the morning that had happened before right now, become alive to tell you to leave.

It told you to move and get away, to find some other place of comfort to be alone and wallow in your own failures and to rethink everything you had ever done wrong in your entire life and it worked because you left without saying a word; without daring to even move your lips, and they kept piling up.

The pain of being  _you_  and the agony of never knowing why the  _fuck_  you were who you were and why these things happened to someone like you. You left to be alone wondering why you had yelled at your Grandma when the aching under your chin never really left, like it was reminding you of what you had done and you left around the corner to wonder why you couldn't just order a _fucking skim latte_  like a normal human being and why you had to sweat and stutter and why you couldn't be  _anyone_  but yourself because it was so hard just to go outside and breathe without feeling anxious and scared of what would happen and what types of situations you would get yourself into.

And the next situation was so much worse than before because just as you believed you had the entire hall to yourself when people began filing into their classes, you were pulled and you were too weak to stop it.

They knew,  _everyone_  knew how weak you were and that's why you got pushed down so easily in the morning and it reminded you of your hand but you didn't get to see the skin of your hand as it was still stinging with some red when you were turned around harshly to see the girls again.

 

_'A, I don't like girls - or boys, I don't even know what I like actually. I have no interest in romance.'_

 

What had driven you to say that? You didn't know, all you knew was that while you laid unconscious in the bed at the infirmary, you were deeply comfortable and yet upset about it. You wanted to lay in this warmth forever, unseeing of everything happening around you as you lay in the oblivion of your mind for decades on end - one could hope - but you just kept remembering what happened in the hall and even when the stares of other people were harshly targeted on your body, you couldn't bring yourself to find the motivation to wake up.

 

_'B, I have a shit ton of problems - both physical and psychological - and that in itself is way too much for anyone to handle. I'm a lost cause, okay?'_

 

So, other people had heard you. This was certainly troubling, you were worried about waking up now, you didn't want to answer the questions and possibly deal with teachers and their faux concern if the students who had seen you thought this was too much for them to handle. 

You really just wanted to disappear and the sun shining on your body informed you that a window had been opened beside you, it felt nice at least. The breeze touched at the unclothed skin of your hands and your neck, your face and it blew your hair timidly like it was shy. Almost like it knew that if it threatened to blow any stronger, it could whisk your weak and insentient body away from society forever, but it didn't approve of your wishes at all... perhaps you could do it for yourself without judgement of the wind.

 

_'I'm a failure and a shit excuse for a person, I have enough issues to deal with for this lifetime and the next and I'm a depressing asshole, alright?! But hey, at least I'm courteous enough to admit that!'_

 

A depressing asshole, yes that was an  _understatement_  because there was just so many levels of  _asshole_  within your severely malnourished body. Too many for you to know how to fix them, maybe that was why the volleyball team seemed so nice and kind to you, because they knew how selfish and stupid you were, how much of a depressed asshole you were.

But alas, they stuck around like the light lacerations on your thighs and you moaned in pain and in agony, hoping a higher being would just look at you and take pity on your pathetic body and your weeping soul.

 

_'Unlike... your Mika-chan,'_

_'she doesn't even know me, she's shallow and attracted to my appearance but I'm so damn ugly and fat and I have no idea why you'd ever think I'm good enough...'_

_'for you..'_

 

Unknowingly to you, the people who had stopped to watch you be figuratively disembowelled by three girls of the same age as you, were the people who called you their friend. They stayed and watched, unsure if you were okay but they couldn't find the strength within themselves to stop the commotion when you had begun unwillingly spilling your guts to them. 

They were astonished, the two second years and the two first years too, utterly flabbergasted because this was the type of thing that you were supposed to talk to  _them_  about, not some strangers that had nothing to do with you. 

Tanaka was speechless, he was annoyed at his inability to do anything at the time and Nishinoya was angry at himself for letting you fall like you did. Metaphorically, for you to fall like that psychologically because you had ended up venting to a couple of nobodies; as you would refer to them as, and literally because he was the god damn  _libero_  of his team. The team he intended to take to nationals and show everyone how great he and the rest of his team was.

That team included you, obviously.

Kageyama was also speechless, he was annoyed by the girls and he just wanted to yell at them and make them go away as angrily as he could so that they never even  _thought_  of approaching you again and Hinata was scared. He didn't know you thought these things and he couldn't even  _begin_  to understand why you thought of yourself like that.

He didn't get why you thought you were unattractive or overweight and he certainly didn't think you were a depressing asshole, he just gasped at the sound of it and angry tears built in the corners of his eyes.

He ended up almost running the other way without notifying the other three that he was actually going to find Daichi and Sugawara but when he saw how Nishinoya jumped to you as you fell and hit your head, he left with tears finally leaving his eyes to find the captain and vice-captain.

 

Another moan left your mouth and your eyes finally opened, albeit unwillingly. There were more people in front of you than you thought there were originally and their fuzzy figures finally came to focus when Daichi spoke, "ah, you're finally awake."

His tone was prideful and you couldn't help the frown between your brows when you lifted yourself tiredly, "whe..." Sugawara caught on, he was sitting on the bed next to you on his side though he was looking right at you, "you're in the infirmary, you fainted earlier and I guess you could say Daichi and I were pretty scared when Hinata barged into our class a sobbing mess."

You blinked and your eyes drifted to Hinata would had been sitting on a chair with Kageyama standing behind him, a reassuring hand rested in the smaller boys shoulder as you watched him and his red eyes, listening to how he sniffled, "I-I'm fine." He spoke stubbornly and Kageyama scowled down at him, " _baka,_  just tell the truth."

Nishinoya and Tanaka were on the other side of you, they were glaring with their arms crossed over their chests, they were the mirroring each other and you gulped, waiting for them to say anything but it was just silence, only the sounds of Hinata's sniffling nose and so you spoke quietly, "I-..I'll be fine, I'll just rest here for a while."

The severity of the situation surrounding you had never truly reached Hinata, he was young and naive and even the other first years had no idea about it either but Hinata was more vocal and emotional, he was confused and it scared him. He didn't know something as serious as this could occur to someone he looked up to and considered a special friend. 

And he sobbed but he held it in and you could see it hurt because it shocked you and earned your attention, along with everyone else as they tried to make it better and yet they were all feeling the same so they didn't know what to do or what to say,

"Don't.." Hinata's eyes focused on you so much you thought it was going to bore a hole into you, "don't hold it in, Hinata.." 

He watched the crooked smile on your face when you continued, your voice breaking when your own eyes clouded with tears that you didn't want there at all, "it hurts.. mo-more whe-when you do."

Sugawara crumbled under the heaviness of your words and Daichi struggled to hold it together while Nishinoya couldn't take it, he fell to the side of the bed, kneeling with a sob ripping from his throat and Tanaka did the same with a louder and more exaggerated scream that heaved through him because he had no idea what else he could do.

There was nothing to be said and nothing to be done because they all equally felt as worthless as the next person and Kageyama stubbornly sniffled when Hinata hugged his arms into his face and got tears and snot all over his arms.

You, on the other hand, watched them.

They were crying and weeping for you but you had no idea why, why were they doing this and why were they with you during class time and why did they think you were worth their time. 

You didn't get it but when Hinata struggled to keep his cries in, you only saw yourself and you were harshly reminded of the aching in your chest you were familiar with when you found yourself crying alone in the darkness of your own, desperately trying and succeeding in keeping the volume of your sobs to a minimum so your Grandma wouldn't find out.

She didn't and you were relieved by it because you didn't want to see her pitiful stare and her questioning gaze. You didn't want her to feel at fault but now, almost the whole team surrounded you, crying without a care and without shame and you were so, 

genuinely confused.

"Wh- I don't understand-"

Tears came from your eyes naturally, falling within a straight line while your face stayed impassive and curious, "why're you crying..." The question; or statement, was directed to everyone and no one, was it rhetorical or was it supposed to be answered, you didn't even know but they didn't really stop, they just sort of... calmed into it and breathed in.

Suga wiped the moisture away and even looked up to wipe Daichi's small tear away too, it was sweet to look at. Nishinoya didn't care for the mess he made and you glanced at the small wet spot on the bed form his tears (and snot) and in the end no one answered.

No one answered because they knew they didn't have to; they were crying because of you. They were crying  _for_  you and they were crying the tears that you didn't. The ones that you kept inside to mentally and psychologically torture you. But they couldn't say it because they had to move forward and if that meant waiting for you to be completely and utterly comfortable enough to vent to them and cry, sob and weep all you desired to with them, then they wouldn't push you.

But Nishinoya only had one question.

One that had been on his mind the entire time from when Tanaka, Kageyama and himself had carried you to the infirmary and to now. He couldn't stop thinking about it and it just kept echoing in his head, he breathed in and wiped his face quickly and messily with the sole intention of gaining all of your attention to say the thing that Kageyama and Tanaka were admittedly too scared to say, 

"Hey... [M/Name]."

He breathed in again to ensure that he sounded okay, to make sure his voice didn't break when you turned to him in the peace of the room when the kiss and cry was over,

"why... why are you so... when we carried you, you we-" 

You sucked in a breath, blood turning cold and his eyes hardened, "why was it so easy to carry you?!"


	5. and have a cigarette about you now

Walking through the quiet street as the time ticked closer to midday, your mind rushed in endless circles as you recalled the day before and what had occurred. It was enough to make goosebumps arise on your skin, it made your hair stand on its ends and your gag reflex at the time had been weak, almost exposing you and the disgust, the fear and pure terror at the thought of what had happened when you were unconscious.

It caused the minimal hours of sleep that you got at night time in the darkness to shorten and the light you noticed coming in through your window allowed you to catch the way your hands were trembling, the futon that had been on your body was harshly thrown away and rejected in your twists and turns to try and at least  _attempt_  to lose yourself in a state between life and death. 

And your skin crawled as the minuscule muscles in your clammy hands clenched and relaxed to bring harsh pain and then momentary relief as they sat comfortably in the pockets of your sweatpants while your slippers glided along the pavement outside, dragging against the road while a subconscious thought in your mind lead your feet to travel in, towards the centre of the road and then out, towards the safe area of the pathway,

almost as if teasing, waiting for a vehicle to come.

And yet, while you walked without knowing why you were travelling, slowly, casually in a zig-zag-like pattern, perhaps some deeper part of your mind was simply okay with staring at the vehicle driving towards you (and the excitement lied in whether you'd jump away to dodge a possible opportunity or if you would simply lie in front of the car that weighed an average of one point five tonnes.)

All because of one sentence that Nishinoya; the boy who thought of you as his friend, had asked so openly and inquisitively in the infirmary the day before when you had fainted from lack of food and sheer lack of motivation to do  _anything,_

_'Hey... [M/Name].'_

His voice, as you recalled so dauntingly, echoed in your head as you found the road in front of you parting (with a shrug of your shoulders, you chose left) and then you continued, walking under the trees and then under the sky that was a bright, warm and comforting blue which was ruined by the appearance of multiple oddly shaped clouds. Clicking your tongue in distaste, your eyes ran over the unfamiliarity of your location,

_'why... why are you so... when we carried you, you we-'_

With paranoia clinging to your back like the physical manifestation of a child that stuck to your back, as if it was enjoying a piggyback on a bright spring day, you turned around with eyes, sunken in and darkened from your dear friend named  _insomnia,_ to see the path that you had taken, watching everything - the trees, houses and the street poles - from a different angle, a different perspective and then you turned again because it was almost as if you could hear Yuu's voice right in your ear,

whispering in disgust, like an ASMR, right by the shell of your ear and you shuddered again, flinching and finding yourself jumping at the racing glimpse of a tiny thing, an object, a living being, running and hiding behind the car you had walked passed no longer than three seconds ago.

_there's nothing there_

Turning back around, a shaky breath escaped your chapped lips and your hands clenched again in your pockets, there wasn't anything there, no one was following you, nothing was behind you, nothing was watching you, and the bile rose up your throat menacingly when Noya, your classmate, that happy and exceptionally _bright_ male in the volleyball team spoke again, ( _bright_  as in personality wise - not so much intellectually) his voice growing darker and mocking, scaring you as you progressed further in your mindless desire to leave and get lost.

_'why was it so easy to carry you?!'_

 

_You could recall so easily what had happened next. First, there was a pregnant pause, it brought all eyes to yourself, to your fragile and distorted body and you couldn't help it when you grabbed the thin, white blanket of the bed you sat on to bring it up and over your torso, higher and to your armpits with an obvious desperation to make everyone leave,_

_stop looking, stop looking at my body, i'm fat, stop it, i don't want this,_

_and then Hinata hiccuped, seeming to bring everyone from their lost dream-state and in response, your eyes travelled from Noya's impossibly wide and animal-like eyes to find the grips you held on the blanket,_

_tight, nails coming through the thin fabric to sting your palms, knuckles turning pale, white,_

_"I- uh,.." the nurse should've been present, someone should have come to help you - it's what the logical part of your poisoned mind said, the part that still had hope. A hope that was born from the constant, seemingly endless presence of the volleyball team. All of them and their 'reassuring' words and their fruitless yearning for you to realise your worth (one that wasn't real) - but alas, there was no one to take you from this suffocating situation and you swallowed thickly,_

_"I wouldn't.. know.. I mean, uh-"_

_And they could see you suffering, they could see the troubled look in your eyes and the shallow breathing - as if you had gone for a run - and the way your shaky voice carried so much hopelessness and fear._

_"It's okay, Noya," Suga breathed, he was still seated beside you and from the corner of your eye you could see his arm lifting, coming closer in your general direction but you flinched._

_He saw it, maybe no one else did, but he did and as a result, he faltered._

_As his arm moved back, the relief in your body grew._

 

And it stopped just like that, the flashback, as if nothing happened afterwards and nothing happened before it. Like a strip of film that had been cut to only allow this scene to buzz through your mind like a broken record on repeat because you just couldn't get it out of your head and even though so many hours had passed, the thought that those boys had their  _hands_  on your disfigured body that had failed you, losing consciousness along with your decision to let anyone touch you.

Your heart raced, heavy and thumping, demanding for attention and it seemed as if it would soon suffer from cardiac arrest or even a damn heart attack by the way it sounded, the feeling and the vibrations echoed in your entire body, in your ears as your throat closed up more and more as you kept walking forward with no destination in mind.

And the uniform clung to your limbs, your torso like a straight jacket, prompting you to feel utterly sickened because they had touched you, they had laid their hands on you and gotten close, close enough to see the flaws upon flaws that littered your face, igniting a new desire to play, to sweat, to feel the exhilaration of a basketball in your calloused hands.

The desire to dribble and run, to sweat and jump, feel the burn of your muscles in your calves and your biceps, to throw the ball and watch it land in the hoop. 

_to burn off the calories_

_lose the weight_

_get rid of the fat_

A door opened, sliding harshly from beside you but it went unheard, you continued with a furrow on your brow, a choked sob threatening to come and be heard before a voice stopped you.

A familiar fear buried in your bones stopped you, breathing escalated and you turned with wide, terror-induced eyes to focus on a figure, blurry and intimidating, blonde hair and tall, but he spoke again and you swallowed thickly, rubbing your clammy palms against the cotton of your sweatpants,

"oi, shouldn't you be in school?"

His voice registered towards the end of his sentence, that being said, you didn't know what he had said, your stomach grumbled and with a newfound inkling to play with a ball, to exercise and sweat until the liquid stung your eyes and bathed your body, you turned back again and Ukai straightened with a glare,

"H-hey! I'm speakin' to you! You're [M/Name], right?"

Pausing, your eyes dashed from the lingering shadows in the corners of your eyes to your feet, the grumbling in your stomach seemed to roar and yet your eyes never focused on the other males, the one who was watching you with apprehension, perhaps concern-

_no way_

and disgust, yeah, disgust was much more plausible.

"Oi, why don't you just head on to school, huh? You're already in your uniform."

This time it was your face that twisted in disgust, "no.. thanks, old man."

"O-Old?!" His eyes widened, his voice growing louder and yet he stopped, you paused too until he let out a breath, audible and tired. It seemed to mirror your mood and so without a word, Ukai walked forward a little plop himself on the curb. You watched, slightly perplexed and wondering what his intentions were, what he was thinking - all the while wondering how he happened to know your name, too - and you were troubled, finding that there were two options before you.

Two options that could change the outcome of your day, two different decisions where one (the option where you stayed put and chose to let yourself be within the company of Ukai) could either prove to be worth it; because maybe he could indulge you and keep you from the thoughts that swirled your mind,

_thoughts that told you something was watching you and driving you to an unknown, possibly dangerous location,_

Or, you could choose the other option in which you would leave, be alone, agonise over the past; whether it be recent or not, and continuously remind yourself of how much of an idiot you were, a failure, an overweight jerk who did nothing to gain the attention and so-called 'friendship' you had somehow gotten with so many people all at once.

Yeah, you were still trying to wrap your head around that.

"Whatever," you eyes lingered down to Ukai, a fresh cigarette having appeared in his hand, "kids these days, think they know everything." He huffed and in your awkward mental conflict, you twisted your body to hesitantly get closer to the male, still keeping a good metre between the two of you when you slowly sat down, he noticed this,

"well, what're you waitin' for? Sit down."

For some reason, your chest grew tight with an odd feeling, maybe it was cause it felt kind of nice to be acknowledged. It felt nice to be invited when you hadn't even asked? It felt nice to be in the vicinity of another person who hadn't shown any cruel intentions yet?

_yet_

And so you sat, knees tucked into your body with your arms wrapped around your knees, resting your chin on your wrists, the sun rested on your shoulders with comfort and you breathed, tight and fast because of the nerves of sitting with someone whom you weren't all that friendly with.

"uh.." a sound came from your mouth, you could feel his eyes on you and it caused you to find a tiny pebble on the ground, watching the shape and the colour (it was brown, light brown like Kinoshita's hair,) and you breathed in because of the sheer awkwardness. Even when the leaves in the trees swayed from the breeze and the sun shone. 

Everything continued without a care for your insignificant needs and desires. Hence, why you kept quiet. Why you didn't talk and it was why you didn't say anything that could start a conversation you didn't want to be a part of. You wouldn't want to impose on another person, you didn't want to tell him how much your stomach had gone tight from cramps because of the fact that you hadn't eaten in almost more than a day. You didn't want to go on about how you were scared of people, of people talking to you and touching you.

How you hated the fact that those guys had touched you.

How it repulsed you.

"You.." he made you flinch and paused to gain your attention, breathing out a short puff of smoke before continuing, "do you need to use the toilet?" You quirked a brow, "your face is all.." he made the shape of a circle, whirling his wrist around as he gestured to your face, "pale and making this expression, are you alright?"

"yes," your face grew warm, heated with embarrassment. No doubt you were growing red now, choked up, humiliated. How fragile you were..

"I-I.. I'm alright, Ukai-san.."

"Aye!" He perked up, grinning, "you remembered my name!"

His voice was loud, a bit rusty and warm too, kind and yet you were still a bit hesitant to completely let your guard now. He was grinning, his eyes crinkling from the action and you undoubtedly found yourself staring... staring... watching him. His hair, bright and sticking up and held back with a headband, his piercings and curiosity got to the best of you, 

"uh, yeah, you're the coach after all..." He nodded, seemingly satisfied - with the title or the team, you didn't know - and the silence grew louder before you opened your mouth again, "I mean, it's easy to remember you cause of the guys, I guess. They always want me to watch them practise.. I don't know why though." Ukai nodded along with you, perhaps informing you that he was listening and you looked away in a calm daze as the quiet around you came again.

"I don't really know why they keep talking to me.."

"Huh?"

_shit_

Your eyes snapped up, looking at him straight in the eyes before you frightfully flailed your arms, growing heated with nerves and regret when you stuttered, "No-n-no- I- I uh, I just me-meant, uh," 

"Hey.." He stopped you, your mouth hanging agape when his face was so... calm? His expression hadn't changed when you thought you had unintentionally said something wrong. You didn't mean to say that, the words just fell from your lips,

"Relax, no one's judging you here, you can say whatever you want, aight?" He brought the cancer stick to his lips again, you followed the movement, alleviated to hear those words,  _beyond alleviated,_

"And," he perked up and straightened his back as he breathed in the chemical, keeping your attention as you watched his face contort a little and then relax as he breathed out, white and almost unending as the smoke disappeared into nothing, it brought quite a yearning to your chest, almost like you had grown envious of the flowing smoke and its freedom, its ability to come and vanish just as it did right before your eyes,

"don't those kids talk to you because you're all friends?"

"n-"

"I mean, they obviously talk to you because they want to, right?" Ukai leaned his cheek against his palm, watching you but his eyes were unwaveringly nice. Like, all of his attention was completely on you, he was listening to you and perhaps willing to listen to more?

"I don't know what you think about them, but," he paused, possibly thinking of what to say. You found yourself clinging to his words eagerly, "they clearly care about you, they talk about you a lot, you know."

And his eyes moved, you caught it and your blood ran cold because as you had flailed only moments ago to apologise for speaking, the sleeves of your gakuran moved up and just as you were moving your arms down, his eyes dashed to your arm, your wrist, but nothing on his face changed.

There was no disgust, no concern, no wonder. Just, a casual old man having a smoke with a troubled teen, he dared to continue and it seemed as if he was picking his words carefully now, with caution, "they- uh, they do, they care a lot. They're always yapping about where they should take you and uh-"

His eyes raised back to yours, his free hand raising to scratch the hair on the back of his head, you followed his actions all the while trying to  _casually_  bring your sleeves back down,

_he had surely seen them_

"uuh, maybe I shouldn't be telling you about this, but I'm being honest here." He sighed deeply and you moved your ankles, the balls of your feet creating a rough noise on the pavement from the sand beneath the soles of your shoes, unsure of how to respond.

"I- uhm..." he gave you a moment, you took advantage of that moment, "can I have one, please?"

He caught your stare, following your line of vision and ended up looking at his hand, in disbelief he scowled and laughed at the same time, "What? No!? Who the hell do you think I am, huh?" he shook his head at the ridiculousness and he started murmuring, "Do you know how bad the team would  _kill_  me? I'm the coach  _and_  god knows what Takeda would way, he'd probably have a heart attack.." 

And you didn't know why, but a smile touched at your lips as he spoke to himself hurriedly.  
You swallowed thickly and rubbed at your chin with a blush coming to your cheeks, it was worth a try anyway, "R-right, right, sorry." And a chuckle, warm, light and enticing left his mouth when he tapped the cigarette to let the ashes fall from the end of it, it glowed with a warm orange,

_it would feel nice to singe your tainted skin_

And you subconsciously backed away when Ukai raised an arm to pat you lightly on the back, his hand made contact and your stomach lurched to your throat, leaping forward, you jumped to your feet and found yourself huffing.

It happened so fast that you almost thought you had imagined it. But he was there, his arm raised and his fingers outstretched on the spot where you were sitting only seconds ago and now you were trying to regulate your breathing.

"W-wow, oi, I'm- sorry, h-hey.."

"I don't like being touched." Your gaze - hard, unforgiving, angered, disgusted - 

_repulsed_

It made your chest tighten and your skin arise with goosebumps, numb and nerves going haywire with red, flashing lights all at once, "it hurts, I- I don't like being touched, it - it makes me want to vomit." He stood as well, no doubt ashamed of being with you, no doubt regretting allowing you to sit with him on such a nice, warm day,

"I-I don't like it.." 

The same sentence fell from your mouth, angry tears building and you didn't even notice the growl in your stomach, completely unfazed and undisturbed by the worrying sounds that Ukai heard, "Okay, hey-" he got your attention, "it's alright, does everyone else know too?"

The lack of response gave him the answer, you heard him sighing,

"you have to tell them this, [M/Name]," he spoke almost as if he was concerned about you but that couldn't be the case, not for a lost cause like you. You simply thought happy things, _your bed, your home, the warmth of your futon in the dead of the night,_  and the way you paced made him nervous, nervous enough to stand and watch you but you couldn't look at him in the eyes,

"It's s-stupid.." You absentmindedly nibbled on the tip of your thumb, walking three steps to the right before turning around and walking another three steps, feeling your back tingling with contempt running through your veins towards nothing but yourself. Your body, your thoughts. It was all too troubling, you felt so alienated, so excluded, so... so _worthless._

"Oi, it isn't as bad as you make it out to be-"

"How would you know?!" You snapped at him, unintentionally, your emotions were riding front row seats now, anger, disgust and irritation controlled you like a drone watching, laughing and mocking you. Your body, the body that you seemed to have no control over,

"I-I.. I don't even know why I told you, I'm so stupid.." 

Despite how low you mumbled, he heard you and Ukai was troubled, completely troubled but for an entirely different reason that your mental conflicts. The mental anguish you were experiencing was only the tip of the iceberg through his eyes and yet you felt so damn vulnerable, so silly and pathetic, and the thought of a car coming out of nowhere to ram you into oblivion sounded rather favoured at the moment.

"Maybe you've been wanting to talk to someone about this for a while so it ended up coming out now," two wide, frightened eyes watched him in shock, as if your worst nightmare had come true before he quickly raised his arms, his palms out and facing you as he spoke quickly, continuing, _"-and that's okay!"_

You couldn't help flinching and he saw it, "it's okay, [M/Name].. it isn't good to keep so much in, anyway, let it out, you know?"

 

_”Hey! Anytime you wanna cry, you can come see me! I’ll make you feel better, [Lastname]-san!”_

_Hinata blinked and corrected himself, “[Lastname]-senpai!” Maybe he thought it would boost your ego like it usually did with Nishinoya and Tanaka - heck, the two even chortled in the background - you’re so manly, Hinata!_

_Daichi smiled, nodding as if something good had come from this, like he had just gotten an amazing idea and maybe it was. A good idea, that is._

_”That’s right, Hinata,” The captain looked at you, overwhelmingly prideful and kind, “[Lastname], I’m sure you already know this but you can come to any of us whenever you’re upset, alright?”_

 

No, you couldn't. You refused to, even when those words, their kinds eyes, all of that swept through your mind like a slap to the face. You refused to speak, to say anything. They had already seen you cry and they had already come to your house when you felt so fast. Sugawara had already taken note of your lack of eating, your need to heave it back out and it only made you more guarded, more fearful that they would start saying their true thoughts,

 

_'You're so pathetic, [Lastname]~'_

_'Hey, why're you so weird, huh?'_

_'Freak, you're a freak! I heard you eat like six meals a day, fa~tty!'_

_'He's so fat, he's so disgusting!'_

 

It wasn't anything you hadn't heard before and you knew they had to be thinking it, why else would they hang around you so much? It was because they pitied you. Because they thought you were a charity case and they possibly even found  _amusement_  in feeding you lies, the lies that a friend would tell a friend, things like, when Asahi asked if you were okay so many times and then Nishinoya insisted that it was okay to cry and go to them for help, like how Hinata did too. And Daichi..

They surely weren't  _serious_  about that.

"..[M/Name]..?"

"Huh?"

"He-hey, come on now, don't cry.." he sounded awkward, probably weird and out of his comfort zone about seeing such an aloof and seemingly 'collected' boy this close to tears, one that he hadn't even officially met, only hearing things about you from the team. About how they wanted to take you to places; arcades, the library, the shopping mall and restaurants, diners and theme parks too. Hell, he had to yell at Kageyama and Hinata to stop pointlessly passing the ball to one another while also throwing out ideas on what they could do with you to have fun.

"Oi, you know..." he seemed unsure of himself and you stayed silent, not trusting your voice, rubbing your face with the sleeves of your school uniform, "they; the team," he elaborated with a curt nod, "they think about you a lot, about how they can make you happy 'n' all that, you know, _boy stuff."_ He smiled crookedly and you did too, slowly, as if you knew what he was talking about. You briefly knew of _'boy stuff_ ' like banter and messing around but that only lasted a short while at your old school.

"And you know.." you looked at him, watching his eyes look down at your wrist,  _again,_ and you froze, "it'll get better, [M/Name], you just gotta be patient, you kn-"

"that's bullshit, Ukai."

Your stomach grumbled, begging this time, it went ignored  _(at least by you, it did),_  and Ukai lowered his head almost as if in hopelessness, "come on, let's talk about it inside, I'll give you a meat bun, on the hou-"

"no thanks.."

"Huh? Come on, it's fine - you're a growing boy, you've gotta eat," continuously shaking your head, you murmured the same thing again, "no thanks.. I have to lose weight anyway.. I'll be fine,"

Ukai, as far as you could tell, was becoming impatient. The fact that he had spoken to you for this long was actually quite amazing in itself and you might've stayed longer if you weren't so annoyed, quickly deducing that this conversation was dead and could stay that way, you'd be alright with that, anyway.

"Hu-" he looked as if you had grown another head, like you were insane, _crazy, mentally deranged,_  and you looked away with a scoff, you had grown unintentionally accustomed to  _that_  look, "I'll get going, thanks for your presence or whatever.." awkwardly, you left and walked away from the store as he stared at your back. He didn't say anything to your retreating figure, simply letting you leave as you desired so that he could go back inside before you froze at the unexpected sound of his voice, 

_"Oi!"_

He yelled, loud enough for the neighbourhood and once you finally turned with rigid bones, he continued,

_"What's your favourite food?!"_  As if he could see the _'NO'S'_ running through your mind endlessly, he continued and effectively spoke before you could simply leave without having to answer,

_"And don't tell me you don't have one, everyone does!"_

_"...udo.."_

_"HUH?"_

He screamed again, his throat sounding rusty and it frightened you enough to make a tiny smile, a ghost of a smile, come to your face before you turned back around to walk away again, this time though, your face was upwards as you looked right up to the sky, and you screamed equally as loud, 

_"GYUDON!"_

 

Without knowing how long you had been walking, you had been aimlessly floating through streets with the simple game of 'eenie meenie miney mo' in your mind enough to take you away from anywhere you knew, anywhere that was familiar. You took note of the sun, how it extended your shadow and noticed the students walking around you and they were dressed in different uniforms that you,

consisting of a pale lilac shirt, dark red tie, cream sweater vest, white blazer, and light brown pants as girls wore the same except they had light brown skirts. You admired them, walking through the crowd of students as you minded your own business before a voice caused you to pause, indifferently,

"Eh~? Iwa-chan, isn't that a Karasuno uniform?"

Glancing over at them, there were four boys all in the same uniform, watching you with casual stares of curiousness and watched them briefly before finally coming to the conclusion that you were lost and in the presence of four strangers, each more attractive than the next as one of them had turned the colour of a ripe cherry the moment he saw you.


End file.
